I would go with the last one, but I have a few nitpicks. You've omitted details that would give the reader a better idea of who Hannah is and what happens to her during the course of the story.
1. In the second paragraph, what if you traded out "grows wider" to "cracks open"? It's more immediate.
Meet Hannah Pendarves, first daughter of the village, who thinks anyone from as far away as the next town is a foreigner and not to be trusted. But Hannah's small world grows wider when she discovers that her father is part of a syndicate of wreckers and smugglers that involves some of the leading families of Cornish society. [Can you add a line here to tell us what she feels about this/how this has changed things for her? Is she enjoying being part of this syndicate? Is she glad to carry on the family business? Or is she horrified but feels duty bound to help her father?]
2. I made a few small tweaks to the third paragraph and inserted a question for you: When the syndicate places Hannah as a spy in the house of Francis Keverne, a kindly and upright Falmouth shipping agent, Hannah soon finds her loyalties and affections shifting. She had never expected to [develop feelings? care about his honest business?] But how is the wrecker's daughter to choose between her father and Keverne, whose great passion in life is to bring down the syndicate and see every wrecker and smuggler hanged?
I hope it goes without saying, but I'll say it, anyway: Take whatever changes sound good to you, or feel free to ignore them all. :)
Also, I have to laugh, because I had to write my own jacket copy for my book that comes out in two months. If circumstances hadn't forced my hand, I wouldn't have, but they did, and I did. I did my best to match the format and tone of the previous books. I think I did well, but we'll see what happens.
I liked it too! But the numbers did not bear it out. I wonder if we could invent a choose-your-own-blurb system, something like the old choose-your-own-adventure books!
G.M., I feel that one thing that all the blurbs share is that they are all on the wordy side. My preference is definitely for 'the adept' - it has character likeability and a clear dilemma. I really like the visual detail and the assertive voice of the first line. Poldark meets Peaky Blinders is also evocative and appealing. However I think the blurb could be easier to read and more appealing if it were shorter and sharper. For example, there's no need to say that the syndicate is making people wealthy etc, we've all seen enough mafia movies to know how crime works. 'Syndicate' sounds like a modern word to me - if the Napoleonic age had a different term you could use that to evoke the period. Also, the blurb could do with a time and place anchor. I haven't read the book, so i might have the tone/details wrong, but my suggested rewrite would go something like this:
18--. On the treacherous Cornwall coast, Hannah Pendarves is a wrecker's daughter, able to set a false light or rifle a lady's trunk as well as any man. Her father is part of a powerful smuggling syndicate - the [period phrase]. When the [period phrase] places her as a spy in the house of a handsome and kindly shipping agent, she must choose between the lives of her own people, who wreck ships to win their bread, and the man she is coming to admire and secretly love.
Poldark meets Peaky Blinders in this story of a wrecker's daughter who with every step feels the devil, and the syndicate, snapping at her heels.
Thanks for the editing suggestions. I will consider them carefully. Syndicate came into English from French in the 17th century and had an uptick in usage around the time the book is set, though exactly what sense of the word accounts for that uptick, I cannot discover. I wanted a word that would be distinct from "mob" which was certainly a term used for a criminal gang at that time, but in context, I needed to find a way to separate the syndicate of gentlemen running the organization from the mob of ruffians doing the dirty work on the shoreline.
I think the first one, which I voted for, is very intriguing, it very much makes me interested in the story in a short period of time. I'm not super well-versed with the two references, but despite that, I find it to be quite well done.
The first one was nearly perfect to my eyes! I wish I could have your writing skills for blurbs!
However my impression is that you could follow people suggestions of what is their favorite blurb and end up with thousands of versions, nearly as many as the interviewed people ... here again, I realize that someone could write the best things ever with no success for the mere lack of a 'sexy' blurb... have you ever investigated this really frustrating aspect? All the best (actually you don't need them as your blurbs are great!!!)
Yes, its really hard to get agreement on blurbs. Different people, including myself, lock onto different aspects of the book for the blurb to focus on. It's hard to distill 90,000 words into two paragraphs!
It's a legitimate concern, and I thought about it before I wrote the post. But I wanted to tell a story to hopefully increase engagement with the post. Survey design is hard too!
I liked the first one, and I'm not at all turned off by a protagonist who commits murder. But obviously, other readers' mileage may vary. I had beta readers who were shocked(!) by the violence and language in my book, even though there were explicit warnings about both beforehand (and my blurb mentions my protagonist being required to bring a scalp to the king!). Not every book can be for every reader. Best they know it upfront. But if you want something less explicit, I also thought "The Adept" was intriguing, and I'd probably pick up a book like that, too. I only vaguely know Poldark and am unfamiliar with Jamaica Inn, but I loved Peaky Blinders if that's any help. Comps are a double-edged sword if readers don't know the works you're referencing. I'm finalizing my book's blurb right now and can appreciate how nerve-racking it is. The temptation is always to feed the prospective reader a taste of all the good bits, but this can easily backfire. I don't know the winning formula, but I'd say less is almost always more. Curiosity is what sells books, imho.
Thanks. As one of my readers pointed out, by the time the murder occurs in the book, the reader has had a chance to get to know and like Hannah and, if not approve, at least understand her action. That's different from proclaiming it in the first line of the blurb. Part of the job of the blurb, I suppose, is to begin establishing sympathy for the protagonist. It's something of a fine line between representing the book fairly to the reader and hitting them over the head with its biggest shock.
And yes, the comps have struck almost every reader differently, so they don't seem to be helping much.
That’s a good point about establishing sympathy for the protagonist with the blurb, and I suppose if the incident in question happens further into the narrative, you could be revealing a bit of a spoiler. It can’t hurt to keep some of the drama and mystery in reserve for the reader to discover. That’s the trickiest balance to strike—enough to draw them in, but not so much the story deflates. I think I ultimately voted for the Adept because it painted a vivid and intriguing portrait of your character with minimal spoilers.
Just expressing solidarity that writing blurbs is THE WORST. For what it's worth, I liked the first one beat, because it's more succinct, but still personal and specific to the character. Good luck!
I would go with the last one, but I have a few nitpicks. You've omitted details that would give the reader a better idea of who Hannah is and what happens to her during the course of the story.
1. In the second paragraph, what if you traded out "grows wider" to "cracks open"? It's more immediate.
Meet Hannah Pendarves, first daughter of the village, who thinks anyone from as far away as the next town is a foreigner and not to be trusted. But Hannah's small world grows wider when she discovers that her father is part of a syndicate of wreckers and smugglers that involves some of the leading families of Cornish society. [Can you add a line here to tell us what she feels about this/how this has changed things for her? Is she enjoying being part of this syndicate? Is she glad to carry on the family business? Or is she horrified but feels duty bound to help her father?]
2. I made a few small tweaks to the third paragraph and inserted a question for you: When the syndicate places Hannah as a spy in the house of Francis Keverne, a kindly and upright Falmouth shipping agent, Hannah soon finds her loyalties and affections shifting. She had never expected to [develop feelings? care about his honest business?] But how is the wrecker's daughter to choose between her father and Keverne, whose great passion in life is to bring down the syndicate and see every wrecker and smuggler hanged?
I hope it goes without saying, but I'll say it, anyway: Take whatever changes sound good to you, or feel free to ignore them all. :)
Also, I have to laugh, because I had to write my own jacket copy for my book that comes out in two months. If circumstances hadn't forced my hand, I wouldn't have, but they did, and I did. I did my best to match the format and tone of the previous books. I think I did well, but we'll see what happens.
Thanks for the editing hints. Very useful. I especially like "cracks open"!
I actually like the first one, but I'm also a horror writer, so ... 😅
I liked it too! But the numbers did not bear it out. I wonder if we could invent a choose-your-own-blurb system, something like the old choose-your-own-adventure books!
G.M., I feel that one thing that all the blurbs share is that they are all on the wordy side. My preference is definitely for 'the adept' - it has character likeability and a clear dilemma. I really like the visual detail and the assertive voice of the first line. Poldark meets Peaky Blinders is also evocative and appealing. However I think the blurb could be easier to read and more appealing if it were shorter and sharper. For example, there's no need to say that the syndicate is making people wealthy etc, we've all seen enough mafia movies to know how crime works. 'Syndicate' sounds like a modern word to me - if the Napoleonic age had a different term you could use that to evoke the period. Also, the blurb could do with a time and place anchor. I haven't read the book, so i might have the tone/details wrong, but my suggested rewrite would go something like this:
18--. On the treacherous Cornwall coast, Hannah Pendarves is a wrecker's daughter, able to set a false light or rifle a lady's trunk as well as any man. Her father is part of a powerful smuggling syndicate - the [period phrase]. When the [period phrase] places her as a spy in the house of a handsome and kindly shipping agent, she must choose between the lives of her own people, who wreck ships to win their bread, and the man she is coming to admire and secretly love.
Poldark meets Peaky Blinders in this story of a wrecker's daughter who with every step feels the devil, and the syndicate, snapping at her heels.
Thanks for the editing suggestions. I will consider them carefully. Syndicate came into English from French in the 17th century and had an uptick in usage around the time the book is set, though exactly what sense of the word accounts for that uptick, I cannot discover. I wanted a word that would be distinct from "mob" which was certainly a term used for a criminal gang at that time, but in context, I needed to find a way to separate the syndicate of gentlemen running the organization from the mob of ruffians doing the dirty work on the shoreline.
I think the first one, which I voted for, is very intriguing, it very much makes me interested in the story in a short period of time. I'm not super well-versed with the two references, but despite that, I find it to be quite well done.
Thanks!
The first one was nearly perfect to my eyes! I wish I could have your writing skills for blurbs!
However my impression is that you could follow people suggestions of what is their favorite blurb and end up with thousands of versions, nearly as many as the interviewed people ... here again, I realize that someone could write the best things ever with no success for the mere lack of a 'sexy' blurb... have you ever investigated this really frustrating aspect? All the best (actually you don't need them as your blurbs are great!!!)
Yes, its really hard to get agreement on blurbs. Different people, including myself, lock onto different aspects of the book for the blurb to focus on. It's hard to distill 90,000 words into two paragraphs!
I’m not sure if I liked the Riotous best simply because it was the last one.
It's a legitimate concern, and I thought about it before I wrote the post. But I wanted to tell a story to hopefully increase engagement with the post. Survey design is hard too!
I liked the first one, and I'm not at all turned off by a protagonist who commits murder. But obviously, other readers' mileage may vary. I had beta readers who were shocked(!) by the violence and language in my book, even though there were explicit warnings about both beforehand (and my blurb mentions my protagonist being required to bring a scalp to the king!). Not every book can be for every reader. Best they know it upfront. But if you want something less explicit, I also thought "The Adept" was intriguing, and I'd probably pick up a book like that, too. I only vaguely know Poldark and am unfamiliar with Jamaica Inn, but I loved Peaky Blinders if that's any help. Comps are a double-edged sword if readers don't know the works you're referencing. I'm finalizing my book's blurb right now and can appreciate how nerve-racking it is. The temptation is always to feed the prospective reader a taste of all the good bits, but this can easily backfire. I don't know the winning formula, but I'd say less is almost always more. Curiosity is what sells books, imho.
Thanks. As one of my readers pointed out, by the time the murder occurs in the book, the reader has had a chance to get to know and like Hannah and, if not approve, at least understand her action. That's different from proclaiming it in the first line of the blurb. Part of the job of the blurb, I suppose, is to begin establishing sympathy for the protagonist. It's something of a fine line between representing the book fairly to the reader and hitting them over the head with its biggest shock.
And yes, the comps have struck almost every reader differently, so they don't seem to be helping much.
That’s a good point about establishing sympathy for the protagonist with the blurb, and I suppose if the incident in question happens further into the narrative, you could be revealing a bit of a spoiler. It can’t hurt to keep some of the drama and mystery in reserve for the reader to discover. That’s the trickiest balance to strike—enough to draw them in, but not so much the story deflates. I think I ultimately voted for the Adept because it painted a vivid and intriguing portrait of your character with minimal spoilers.
Just expressing solidarity that writing blurbs is THE WORST. For what it's worth, I liked the first one beat, because it's more succinct, but still personal and specific to the character. Good luck!